I’m restless. Eyes open. Heart Fluttering. Brain moving a mile a minute. This is my normal. I’m a thinker, a dreamer, and a planner. While my husband surrenders to dreamland, I lay beside him dreaming awake. It’s just what I do.
Last May I wrote a blog post called Waiting Well. In the post I told the story of Niko and I and our first 2 and a half years of marriage. If you haven’t read it, let me give you the CliffsNotes version. It’s not a pretty story. It’s a story about disappointment, unmet expectations, and utter confusion.
Niko and I got married right out of college. We fell for each other quickly. As we got to know each other, it seemed more and more obvious that we were made to be together. The way our brains worked, our struggles, our dreams… we complemented each other effortlessly. It all made sense. We dated for over 3 years before we tied the knot, and I know I couldn’t have waited even one more day to call this man my husband. As we said our vows on that perfect day one – our hearts filled with love and hope – we had no idea how hard the next few years of life were going to be.
Niko and I pretty much skipped the honeymoon phase. Actually we went on our honeymoon during Niko’s first week of grad school. When we arrived at our first apartment, he was already behind on his school work. Rough start. It didn’t get much better from there. The next couple years felt like plate spinning. We worked hard to keep all the complicated areas of our life in motion. We barely had time to communicate, spend quality time together, or process our feelings. We felt like we were in a hopeless situation, and the worst part was we didn’t see an end to the madness.
Fast forward.. I have a better handle on my business, Niko loves his new job, and we feel like we are experiencing what our marriage was supposed to be for the first time. Everything should be champagne and roses, right?
Niko and I are no longer in an impossible season, but we’re still in a season of waiting. We have dreams and goals that aren’t possible yet. We want to start a family. We want to save for a house. We want to pay off our student debt. We want things that require time, patience, and sacrifice.
When I’m laying in bed, mind rushing, I picture those dreams that seem far off. I get discouraged. It’s not lost on me that one second I’m thanking God for a simple life (and a life spent enjoying time alone with Niko) and the next second I’m wishing it away. Once again, I’m called to wait well. Once again, I’m called to enjoy the ride. Once again, I have to tell my brain to chill out and know that God has everything worked out in His infinite wisdom and perfect timing.
When I turn to face my sleeping husband, I remember how far we’ve come. I remember how good I’ve got it. All discontent melts away. I thank God for His mercy and grace. As my heart feels full again, I begin to drift off knowing I will probably have to start this whole process over tomorrow. Worry, remember, surrender. I’m only human, after all. Fortunately, God’s grace is endless. He’s willing to teach me the same lesson until I get it. He’s patient when I am not.